Annabelle

My adorable husband surprised me with tickets to the midnight premier of the Harry Potter movie, even though he doesn't enjoy fantasy movies. This serves as yet more evidence that he is perfect (or as near to it as you can get).

Speaking of nearly perfect, this movie finally captured the magic of the books without being too overblown and showy. For the first time, I didn't leave a Harry Potter movie thinking "It's alright."

Now, in the spirit of the release of the movie and the upcoming release of the book, I have some Harry Potter-y meme-age!

My Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom is: Remus Lupin is killed by the zombie Albus Dumbledore in a passage written by Salman Rushdie Get your Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom

I feel like I've been running as fast as I can, down hill, non-stop for the past year.  Then, it's as if someone yelled "Stop!" and I had to come to a complete standstill.  Sure, I'm fully stopped, but every molecule in my body feels as if it's gone running on ahead without me.

Still, it feels sooooooo nice to finally be done.

Over the past few months, I finished planning a wedding, helped shop for a house, finished TAing (and grading million papers - some that were actually worth the paper they had been written on), hunted for a new job in a new city (D.C.!) finished my master, got married to the best man ever (in previously mentioned wedding ceremony that I'd planned), spent 10 amazing days island hopping in Greece, moved into my new house in a new city (that was found during previously mentioned house shopping) and accepted a job offer at an inner-city high school in D.C. (and had the privilege of turning down 4 other job offers - a masters from Columbia's Teachers College rocks!)

All of this activity being packed into such a short amount of time means I'm now left with nothing to do (which, simultaneously feels heavenly, but also makes me feel a bit guilty - as if there is something that I should be doing).

Alright, it's not true that I have nothing to do.  There are thank you cards to write, boxes to unpack, rooms to organize, a new city to explore and a new husband to lavish with love and affection.  Compared to a month ago though, I've got nothing to do. :)

The wedding turned out amazing.  Beautiful and simple, just the way we wanted it.  My brother's rotation happened when they said it would, so he was home from Iraq and able to be my Best Man (I had my brothers on my side and Michael had his sisters on his side, so he got the MOH).  It was so wonderful to share my wedding with the people I love the most in the whole world. 

Also, I highly recommend cutting back on the spend for the wedding itself so that you can increase the budget on the honeymoon!  10 days in the Greek isles was absolutely amazing.

To paraphrase a (cheesy but accurate) saying - June was definitely the first month of the rest of my life!

I'm looking forward to enjoying the slowdown over the summer and to spend time exploring DC with Michael, planning lesson plans, and getting our house just the way we want it.

Less than 3 months until Michael and I are Mr. & Mrs. C_____-B______.  I still can't believe how lucky I am to have found a man like Michael that doesn't mind hyphenating his name.  It was part of his -1 year anniversary to me last June!  Not only does Michael "get" me, but, he also respects my feelings and opinions on issues.  He got ribbed by his friends and family for his decision.  Some of the more conservative members of his extended family (his immediate family has been wonderful!) got angry about him "giving up his name" and "going against tradition", but that didn't matter to him.  He's wonderful.

I still find it hard to believe that the wedding is 3 months away.  I feel like I've been working on planning this giant one-day party for FOREVER.  And yet, when I look at what still needs to be done, I start to get overwhelmed.  Michael has been sending me reassuring notes through pretty much every method at his disposal (Xbox Live, IM, email, text, telephone, snail mail) on a regular basis to keep me calm.  He's done a great job of keeping me balanced.  His favorite message is to reassure me that we could both be forced to walk down the aisle naked and, as long as I'm there and he's there, he doesn't care.  I, of course, always write him back and tell him he'd probably prefer that the whole thing go down in the buff.  I never thought that waiting to get married before I had sex would be this difficult, but, Michael and I have 3 more months to go to the finish line.  He just needs to keep his mind out of the gutter. ;)


Finally, I found something else to distract me from all the things I need to get done (i.e. grading papers, writing papers, preparing for finals, planning a wedding, etc etc etc).....Shopping for furniture!!!  Sure, I don't actually have the house yet.  And, it's the only thing on the list without a deadline.  Doesn't matter.  Shopping for furnishings for OUR HOUSE (I don't think I'll ever tire of saying that) is much more important than anything else.  Alright, it's not, but, it's putting the least amount of pressure on me, so, it's the winner.  Of course, I can't actually buy anything until there is a house to send it to, and, although Michael makes decent money, we're not rich, so, no houseful of new furniture for me.  A girl can still dream though.

On the subject of dreams:  If, at some point, all of my dreams begin coming true (marrying Michael, getting a house, getting a Masters, getting a teaching job, etc) do I create new dreams?  Or, do I just decide to live happily ever after?

We bought a house!

Well, it's still in escrow, so, it's not technically ours yet.  It doesn't matter though.  I already think of it as mine.

I suppose it will mostly be the bank's for a few years.  Then, it will be mine.  In the mean time, the bank will let me pick out furniture, art, wall colors and where to plant the garden (the imaginary garden that the imaginary homebody me will magically have time to care for, of course).  I can't believe that I am actually going to own something.  It feels so adult and permanent.

Escrow should take about 60 days.  Then (fingers crossed that everything gets approved), in May, we'll sign all the final papers and take ownership of the house.  Michael is going to move in asap (he's already in an apartment in the area working at his new job).  Then, in June, I'll finish grad school, get married, and move into my first house!

What a busy month June has become.  It was always a lazy month when I was in school.  I'd finish up all my work, take my finals, and, in early June, I'd be done.  Nothing to do except the summer job.  Now, every major decision of my adult life seems to be taking place this June.

When we were walking through this house, I closed my eyes and could hear our children running through halls, playing in the backyard, laughing, giggle and growing.  Sometimes you just know you're home.

Yesterday a couple of my students stayed after recitation to ask me a question.

Was it about their grades?  No.  An assignment?  No.  A recommendation for interesting books on history that they could read on their own to further their education?  No.

They wanted to know why I never hang out with my students (i.e. go to bars with them after class) as most of the other TAs do.

The two girls wanted me to know (although they phrased it more kindly) that everyone thinks I have "cool potential" but I need to loosen up and not be such a teacher.  I'm sure that their parents are paying $30K each year in the hopes that their children will become excellent judges of "cool potential".

There is no easy way of explaining this without coming across as a bitch, but, allow me to explain myself the best I can.

My friends are my friends.  My students are my students.  Perhaps, one day, my students will become my colleagues and from there become my friends.  However, as long as they are my students, they cannot be my friends.

Before I explain myself further, I'd like to say that I question the judgement of many of my fellow teachers who strive to be friends with their students.  Our students are younger than us and, in most cases, less experienced than us.  They want to hang out and drink with us because it makes them feel adult.  I suppose we want to hang out with them because it makes us feel cool.  We can finally hang out with the cool kids that many of us weren't invited to hang out with when we were younger!  That doesn't make us cool.  That makes us sad.  As sad as the middle-aged man that thinks the 20 year-old girl is dating him because he's cool.  She's dating him because he's either wealthy or because he reminds her of her father and she's one of those chicks that likes being babied.  Similarly, our students aren't hanging with us because we're cool.  They're doing it because we're their teacher and getting us to hang out is like simultaneously getting an invitation to sit at the grown-up's table while also convincing some of the grownups at that table to have a food fight.

This is not to say that I don't care about my students.  If one of them had a problem, I would be happy to help them out.  However, my primary goal is not for them to think I'm nice.  Oddly enough, my primary goal is for them to learn.

I've seen far to many of my fellow student teachers (and even many experienced teachers) whose proudest moments are when a student tells them they are "cool" or "the nicest teacher ever".  I've never really understood that being a teacher's fondest memory.  It's a great ego boost, but it has nothing to do with teaching.   When I think of the nice teachers I've had, none of them were that inspiring.  They were sweet people and I enjoyed being in their class.  However, I didn't really learn much beyond the basics.  The teachers that truly inspired me were tough.  They were nice too, but expected way too much of us to be considered "the nicest".  They would assign the 10 page essays with no fewer than 6 sources as opposed to the other teachers that were assigning the standard 5-paragraph themes.  I learned more from some of them in a single quarter than I learned from nice teachers in an entire year.  Sometimes I would cry with frustration from the 3+ hours of homework I had each night, but I learned an amazing amount.  Those are the teachers that inspired me to become a teacher.  Those are the people that our sad little school system actually needs.

My greatest teaching moment so far (hopefully it will just be the first in a long stream of these moments) came in my senior year of college.  As part of my ed qualification training, I had to have in-class time.  The teaching assingments were arbitrary (supposedly, the head teacher making the assignments took into account your skills, desired grade level and location, but it seemed more random than anything else).  I got assigned to a local high school (nothing special).  At the end of the semester, the kids wrote standard evaluations on us (the same one's they use to evaluate regular teachers in this particular district).  Most of the students wrote your standard robotic reviews - "Class was nice."  "She's a good teacher."  "I learned a lot." "We should have more field trips."

One of the students actually took the time to evaluate the class.  The student wrote the following about me:

"She was really tough.  At first I thought she was mean and I didn't like her.  She assigned lots of essays and homework to our class that kids with other teachers didn't have.  I was really mad.  Then, I realized how much better we understood history than those other kids.  I still don't like all the homework, but I understand why she assigns it."

If my students think I'm mean but they have learned from me, I've done my job.

If they think I'm nice, but they haven't learned, I'm a failure.

Ideally, I'd like to be nice and have them learn; however, I will not sacrifice their educations so my ego can be massaged by students telling me how awesome I am.

I can't believe it's been over 2 months since my last post.

Lots of big things are happening.

Michael got the job in DC (yay!) so I finally know where I'll be living after graduating grad school.  I was sad at first because I won't be going back to Maryland (although I'm certainly excited for the adventure of living in a new place).  I guess I got a little bit mopey because my nana called me up and had a long conversation with me.  The gist of it was that it was time for me to grow up (although said in much kinder terms).  She helped me to realize that I was sad because I felt like my childhood was ending because I was leaving the town I grew up in 'permanently'.  She pointed out that I'd been gone for 2 years already.  No matter what, I would be coming back to a new life (married!) and a new house.  As she pointed out, Michael and I certainly weren't planning on getting married and living with either of our parents, so a move was inevitable.  After talking with Nana I started to get excited about the move. 

Maybe it's just the positive spin she put on it, but I think being an 8 hour drive away from our families will be a good thing.  There are too many people in the area that think of us as our parent's children.  Or just flat out think of us as children (in spite of us having been adults for a few years now).  By moving away, we will get to establish ourselves as adults and a married couple.  It'll be nice.  Plus, when times get stressful, we won't be able to run home to our parents (not that we're prone to doing that).  Instead, we'll have to turn to each other and work things out.

Anyhow, I've begun the torturous process of applying to schools all over the D.C. area.  At this point, I'm not ruling anything out.  I've been applying to everything from inner-city 'problem' schools to posh private schools with tuition of over $20,000 per year.  One of these days, I will be done filling out applications!  Or I'll at least be able to go a decade without having to fill out massive amounts of applications.  Of course, if I go for my PhD (which is definitely possible since DC has some really nice universities) I'll be filling out apps again.  *sigh*

Right now life is the busiest I can ever remember it being. 

Right now life is the best I can ever remember it being.

I think I may have found the dress!

IMHO I looked gorgeous in it. :)

The price is a bit higher than I wanted to go, but not by much, and I've managed to come in under budget on many of the other plans.

I showed a picture to two of my brothers and they said that's the dress they'd want to see their sister get married in.  I'm not sure what that meant, but it made me smile.

I want to get Michael's opinion (because that man has style!) but I like following silly traditions, so, I'm not going to let him see the dress before the wedding - wouldn't want to jinx things!  Instead, I've shown it to a few other trusted fashionistas (and my brothers) and the reactions have all been positive.

Things are really starting to come together!

I get along fabulously with all of Michael's family and most of his friends.

He really only has one friend that I can't seem to bond with. Unfortunately, it's his best friend.

I'm not the type of girl that feels that she needs to be best friends with all of her fiance's (and, in the future, husband's) friends. I don't need to go out with them every time they go to play pool or go see a movie (thankfully, since their taste in movies is quite different from mine!). Still, I'd like to be able to be, at the very least, on civil terms with his friends.

I'm also not one of those sappy girls that wants everyone to love (or at least like) them. I truly believe that if you have any personality at all, there will be at least one person out there that doesn't quite like you (or flat out hates you). That's normal! I'm o.k. with that.

I just can't figure out what this guy hates about me. (Maybe that's it. I don't mind if you hate me, as long as I know why you hate me. Perhaps this is a control issue?) On paper, we should be pretty good friends. He and I actually do like the same kinds of movies (unlike most of Michael's other friends). We read the same books (well, actually, all of us are pretty avid readers, so, it makes more sense to say we fall in love with the same books in each genre that we read). My taste in music is a bit more pop rock while his is more alternative rock, but it's not like I force him (or anyone else) to listen to my music, so that shouldn't be a problem. We both love spicy foods (especially Indian!). We have similar takes on politics and religion (although they aren't identical, who's views ever are identical on politics and religion). We both love sports (playing, not watching....well, he likes watching, but so does Michael, so I'm not going to hold that against his friend). We also have many mutual friends (not just acquaintences, but good friends) that like and get along with both of us.

On paper, I shouldn't be fighting with this guy, I should be marrying this guy!

In reality though, he has never liked me. Not even a little bit. Well, if he ever has liked me a little bit, he has always been really good at hiding it.

Any time I'm hanging out in a group where he's present, I feel a lot of 'ickyness' (for lack of a better way of saying it) directed at me. It's not even that he says anything or does anything. I don't know how to explain it, but, it's pretty obvious when someone hates you. At first I thought it might have been in my head, but, all of our friends agree that he has some issue with me. No one can figure out what it is though.

In the beginning, I thought it might have been that he felt I was 'stealing' Michael from him. However, I'm not a controlling girlfriend at all. Michael still has his regular night out with the boys. Michael spends plenty of time with his best friend without me an some time with this friend when I'm there too (usually when we have a group of friends together). Now that I'm at grad school in another state, this friend gets WAY more time with Michael than I do. So I just don't think it's a jealousy thing.

I know it won't affect my relationship with Michael, but I'm worried that it might affect Michael's relationship with this friend. Michael has tried to figure out what bothers his friend about me, but the friend never admits there's anything wrong (of course, how many guys would answer their friend honestly if he asked "What don't you like about my girlfriend/fiance?" I'm thinking most guys would lie or avoid the question).

It shouldn't be, but it is driving me crazy!

I'm not scared - just changin'.
~Pink

I don't normally listen to, much less quote, Pink songs, but it happened to come on and seemed to perfectly encapsulate what I've been feeling lately.

I feel like I'm floating through quite a bit of my life right now.  There is so much going on that I don't have time to actually touch down and spend enough time with something to do it right (except for school....I've always been able to prioritize school....even when I start to hate it, I still give it the bulk of my time). 

My job at the hotel?  I spend most of my time reading books for class, writing papers for class, or grading papers for my TA job.  I spend very little time actually caring about the hotel guests.  I'm not a bad employee at this point - I stop whatever I'm doing and help the guests when they come to the desk.  It's just that I'm a mediocre employee.  I'm so used to going above and beyond at everything that I do, but, when you're as over extended as I currently am, something has to give.  So, I do the job.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  Just the job exactly as it is outlined in the 'new employee' handbook.  And everything I do is done with dark circles and bags under my eyes.

Sleep...another aspect of my life that I am receiving failing grades in.  But I'm failing with flair.  I know average 3 hours of sleep a night.  Mountain Dew is my drug of choice.  Today.  Tomorrow.  Forever.

My TA job?  Well, I don't really get to set the curriculum so I have to grade/discuss whatever is given to me by the professor.  Still, there are definitely ways you can go above and beyond and I am not doing those things.  I would feel extremely guilty about this, except my students don't seem to care.  As long as their papers are graded on time, they're happy.  I kept thinking that someone would say, "Hey, remember the beginning of the semester when you would challenge us more?  What happened to that TA?"  But, as it turns out, they are more than happy to skate through their ivy league educations while putting in the minimum of efforts.  If they are fine with it, I am too. 

Wedding planning?  Right.  I have time for wedding planning.  Other than occasionally stealing glances at online pictures of wedding dresses and some planning dreams (mostly nightmares) while I sleep, the planning on my end has ground to a halt.  Michael and our family members have picked up a lot of my slack and I'm extremely greatful for that.  Last week, my mom said something like, "Sweetie, it's alright if you need to postpone the wedding" and I burst into tears.  Most of the tears were sheer exhaustion (I'm not really a crier) but there is also the very real fear that I won't get the plans in place and that we'll have to delay the wedding.  That is the one thing I definitely don't want to do.  So, I need to find more time for wedding planning.  2 hours of sleep per night will be plenty, right?  Right.

Grad school?  The one place where I'm not just floating through.  I'll be graduating grad school with honors.  I might die from lack of sleep, but I'll definitely be graduating with honors (unless I somehow completely mess it up next semester - possible, but, considering the history of my scholastic career, entirely unlikely).  So, no matter how mediocre I've become at everything else, I'm still good at school.  Yay for me.  I still have my label as 'the smart one'....I used to wish people would see that there is more to me than that, but, at this point, it's possible that being 'the smart one' is all I've got.  I'll take it.

In the "I'm not scared - just changin'" category of life, some big things have been happening.

Michael has interviewed (and been called in for a second interview) with a company in D.C.  If he gets the job, he will most likely take it.  It is an amazing job that pays well and would allow him to do what he loves.  So, that would mean we'd move from Maryland to D.C.  It's not exactly moving across the country - we'd be within a day's drive of our families, but it still makes me sad.  Whenever I pictured finishing grad school, it was always with the idea that I'd get to leave NY (which I love, but is hard to live in because I have no loved ones here) and return to Maryland where all of my family members and Michael's family members live.  Now, I may be graduating and moving to an entirely new place where I'd have no one but Michael (which is more than enough, but still, not quite the family reunion I kept picturing).

It's intimidating, but, I'm not the kind of person that lets fear dictate their life choices (where's the fun in always playing it safe?)

So, we've been checking out places to live in and around DC and, of course, I've been checking out schools in and around DC.  I'll pretty much have my choice of which type of school I'd want to teach at.  There are failing public schools in DC (they have the distinction of being some of the worst schools in the nation), there are small private schools, expensive (and I'm talking $35,000/year expensive) private schools, suburban public schools.....as I said, any type of school I want, the DC area has.  The great thing about graduating from Columbia Teachers College with honors is that I'm all but guaranteed a spot at any school at which I apply.  Thank you Ivy League!  You've cost me an arm and a leg, but you'll finally pay off somehow.

Days like today make me want to curl up in a little ball and hide from life.

"I know of no safe depository of the ultimate powers of the society but the people themselves; and if we think them not enlightened enough to exercise their control with a wholesome discretion, the remedy is not to take it from them, but to inform their discretion by education. This is the true corrective of abuses of constitutional power."

Thomas Jefferson     
letter to William Charles Jarvis     
Sept. 20, 1820  

...into the future.

I have so much to accomplish and no time to accomplish it in.

And yet, I have plent y of time to think about how I should be doing something.  Is that irony?  Or am I just wasting time thinking instead of acting?

Can thinking be a waste of time?

I've neglected writing.  Here, obviously, but not just here on LiveJournal.  There are so many things that should have been written here or in my paper journal (my 'real' journal because I am old-fashioned and it is made out of paper...written on by pen - perhaps pencil...so it is somehow more legitimate than my 'fake' journal of pixels).  Philblogsophy - I often think about writing there but never find the time.  Again, I probbly waste more time thinking how I should write there then I would spend in the actual endeavor of writing.  Is this procrastination?  Letters to friends and family!  I should write more of them.  I should write them, period.  Saying more made me feel better, but it's not true.  Well, I suppose 1 is more than 0, so in that sense it is true.  But, in the sense that it gives people the impression that I write SOME letters but feel I should write MORE letters....well then I'm lying.

Work consumes most of my time.  At the hotel, the work is mind-numbing.  This is good.  At school I have to be engaged.  There are papers to be graded and mid-terms coming up.  How I wish I could just give them a computerized, fill-in-the-bubbles test that I could just feed into a computer.  Problem solved!  I'm going to the beach.  Instead, the professors I TA for assign 10 page papers and essay exams in evil blue books.  That's all well and good for them.  They have TAs to do the grading.  Lucky, tenured bastards!

When I'm not working I'm doing my own school work.  I love history!  My classes are destroying my brain.  More than once over the past week I've had to reread chapters that I'd already read because I couldn't recall what the chapter covered.  I wish I could say, "The books are boring and that's why I can't remember."  These are all books I had planned on reading anyway (my professors have great taste in history books/novels).  Perhaps this is the price I pay for growing older?  Can someone my age blame a shoddy memory on age?  Probably not.  I'm probably just exhausted.  I'm also suspicious that I'm anemic right now.  Note to self:  Get iron supliments from the health food store.

On top of all that I must add the ever present wedding plans.  I'm so sick of the whole thing.  Isn't this supposed to be fun?  Perhaps it is if you aren't scheduling it into your spare 5 minutes.  Sleep or look at dresses?  That's not something I ever thought I'd have to seriously consider.  Serious, intelligent, practical Anna would answer "sleep" no question.  Stressed, over-extended, exhausted Anna keeps choosing to look at dresses.

In the back of my mind, I can't help feeling like a fake.  I would consider myself a feminist (garden variety....not so much radical).  I've been on my own supporting myself for years now.  I pay all my own bills and I'm paying my own way through grad school (just as I paid my way through undergrad).  I stood my ground and convinced my fiance (aka the sweetest most understanding man in the world) to hyphenate his last name so that I could both keep my last name and also have the same last name as my husband and any children we have.  I bristle at leftover patriarchal crap in society - having my father walk me down the aisle, for instance (side note: I bristle because it implies that my father is delivering me from his household to my husband's household as if I've never been on my own and never taken care of myself - however, my father has been dreaming of this day for years and years and there is no way I'd ever steal that from him, even if I don't like the historical symbolism behind it).

With all of that in mind, why am I falling into the trap of the fancy wedding?  I'm not going super fancy.  The budget for our entire wedding is $5000 (dresses, rings, location, cakes, flowers, everything).  That's what some people have budgeted for their dress alone!  So, I don't feel like the budget is unreasonable.  It's not as if we're spending $20,000-$30,000 on a wedding and having our parents take out loans to cover it.....we've been saving the money and we can cover the entire thing ourselves (although both our families are chipping in).

It's not the money.

It's more....What's the point?  Why spend the money on a wedding at all?  Forget $5000......why even spend $500?  I'm just as married if we buy the license and have the pastor say a few words over us for a grand total of $50.  So why, if I'm so liberated (and sensible) have I fallen into the trap of the fancy dress and the fancy cake and the pretty location with the flowers?  I'm just as married either way.  And, married with $5,000 in the bank probably gives us an advantage since most fights in a marriage are about money (although Michael and I have both been running our own households and staying in a budget and saving money, so that probably won't be an issue for us anyway). 

It would be so much cheaper if we just eloped and then took everyone to Chuck E. Cheese and gave them each a cup full of tokens.  That sounds like so much more fun than some stuffy reception at a 'beautiful' location that I'm throwing just so I can force my friends to wear formal gowns/tuxes and tell me how happy they are for me.  Very few people actually like wearing formals.  Of course, no one will tell me that because everyone is very much aware that it's "my day".  (Side note:  Why do brides everywhere I look keep saying - "It's my day so everyone better do what I want!" first of all, it is your and your fiance's day.  Get over yourself.  Second of all, if you're going to throw a party and ask everyone who loves you to come celebrate your marriage, it shouldn't be compulsory.  Stop bossing them around and freaking out when they say they like this type of skirt instead of that one.  It's not attractive and I'd be willing to bet your fiance does not find it cute.  In fact, he probably watches you get all mostrous like that and wonders Why am I marrying her again?).

Alright....didn't mean to write this much and I now realize I'm just rambling.

I just have to make it to Saturday.   I have a 10 hour block of time reserved for nothing but sleep!  If I can make it until then, I might just get through the rest of the semester.

The last week of August I took a week off to go home to MD and relax.  Of course, by week off and relax I obviously mean I spent every waking moment either visiting family or friends OR checking out various wedding sites/caterers/florists/dresses/etc.  So, it wasn't so much time off as it was time to do the things for the wedding I really need to do.  Not to mention the fact that I got a home-cooked meal EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.  Between my parents and grandparents and Michael's parents and grandparents, I probably put on about 30 pounds that week.  I tend to lose weight over the semester though (rather than being a stress eater, I'm a stress 'forget to eat'-er so weight gain isn't a problem - knock on wood). 

I also realized this week that I'm going to need to learn how to cook soul food.  I already know a few dishes because my nana taught me.....but Michael's family is all about soul food (which is great for the tastebuds, but hell on the hips!).  I've introduced him to the wonders of Argentinian food too (of course!) but his stomache (and therefore his heart) will always belong to soul food.  I've heard rumors of the existence of a healthy soul food cook book.  Healthy soul food may be an oxymoron.  Still, if I can find a way to make soul food that is as good (or, lets be honest here, almost as good) as Michael's mom's and grandmom's cooking without compromising the health of our hearts, I'll be a lot more happy about cooking it regularly.

I finally got a solid amount of wedding planning done which is a relief.  The days tick by and I see how much the other brides on LJ have gotten done and I start to worry I'm way behind.  Of course, we didn't actually GET anything done.....we just got a lot of the planning and discussing out of the way.  Small miracles, I guess.  I'll take what I can get.

We discussed the wedding site and have agreed that we'd both prefer an outdoor ceremony.  Something simple and natural.  Michael said he wouldn't mind having the wedding in a church (he's such a sweetheart) but I've always liked the idea of an outdoor wedding, so that works out better for both of us anyway.  With that in mind, we've begun looking for sites that have outdoor elements.  We've looked at some expensive sites (really old mansions with outdoor grounds and huge indoor areas for dancing/reception afterward (right....because that'll fit in our budget!) and some cheaper sites (public parks.....they're free! but also open to the public....so I guess you just hope no one decides to crash your wedding).  We haven't decided on a site yet, but we're getting closer.

I also finally got proactive about my wedding dress.  I really wanted to find a dress that both Michael and I liked.  However, I'm also a silly girl when it comes to these things and, even though I'm not actually superstitious, I really enjoy doing traditional superstitious things......Have I confused anyone else yet?  I've confused myself.  :)  All I'm saying is that I don't want Michael to see my wedding dress before the wedding.  I don't believe it 'curses' the marriage or anything like that.  I just enjoy doing those silly sorts of things.  Of course, if he can't see the dress, it makes it hard for me to find a dress that both of us like.  So, what I did was cut out all sorts of dress types from bridal magazines and I put them into a collage.  Of course, these are pictures from a bridal magazine, so the dresses are all ridiculously expensive and there is no way at all that I could by any of them (Vera Wang?....Can I see the $500 model?).  Then, I sat with Michael and we looked over the different pictures and discussed which cuts and materials and looks that he likes (and which ones I like).  This way, I know which kinds of dresses he likes and which styles he thinks look good on me.  Now I can find a dress that he'll love but I can still follow the tradition and not have him see the dress before the wedding!!!

We also decided what to do about the wedding rings.  I'm going to use my engagement ring as my wedding ring.  I love the ring so much and Michael already spent so much getting the perfect ring that I don't see the point of making him go out and get me another wedding ring.  Besides, I want to wear this ring all the time!  He put so much energy and thought into finding MY perfect ring instead of just going out and buying a big chunk of diamond or something he found a ring that was "me".  So, my engagement ring will be my wedding ring (I guess I'll have to take it off before the ceremony so he can give it back to me......but it'll only be for a short while!)  For Michael, I'm going to go out and find a simple, matching platinum band.  He really just wants a band (nothing fancy at all) so, in order to make it a bit more personal, I'm going to surprise him by having a message engraved inside.  A personal message......something just for him from me.  I need to think what that will be though!  At least I've got some time to figure it out.

That's all I've got on the wedding front.  As for the school front, classes started again.  I've got a whole new crop of books to read and papers to write for my grad school classes and, of course, a whole new crop of students to get to know and papers to read for the classes I'm TAing.  At least working at the hotel front lobby is exactly the same as it's always been.  Thank goodness it's a slow hotel and they don't mind me reading and doing research when there aren't any guests around.

Life is exhausting.

Life is wonderful.

Life just might end up being the death of me.

I just wanted to congratulate oneperfectverse on completing her first day as a full-time teacher!

Some people go an entire lifetime without ever achieving their dreams.  You've achieved your dream before your 23rd birthday.  Now you have the rest of your life to enjoy being an awesome teacher!

Way to go!     

I'm finally done grading all final papers.  Now, except for the occasional meeting with a student about grade questions, I have 2 weeks to relax and only work 1 job.  Of course, the majority of my relaxation time will be spent either preparing for my next year of grad school which starts Sept 6th or trying to get some wedding planning out of the way.

It's times like these that make me question the wisdom of working, going to grad school and planning a wedding at the same time.

Still, I don't have other options at this point.  I mean, I could certainly take time out of grad school and just work and plan the wedding.  Or I could delay the wedding so I'll have time to plan once I'm done with my Masters.  However, I'm not inclined to do either of those things.  In fact, I'm quite adamantly opposed to doing either of those things. 

Which leaves me here.....with 2 weeks of vacation.  When I was a kid, vacation always meant camping and swimming pools, junk food and hanging out with friends.  Good stuff.  Now a vacation means that I'm only working 1 job and planning a wedding.  The joys of being a grownup, eh? 

This will all be worth it in the end.

I get to go home to Maryland next week!  I'm so excited!!!  I have expressed my excitement by using multiple exclamation marks.  Did you know that in India (and perhaps elsewhere, I'm not sure), the exclamation mark is called the 'bang'.  I cannot confirm whether this is slang or not, but I believe it's actually their grammatical term for the exclamation mark.  It seems, if not a more descriptive, at least a more concise naming convention.

I was really disappointed with the students I TAed for this summer.  I kept waiting for someone to amaze me with their unique point of view.  Instead, I received consistently well-written papers regurgitating what the professor and I had taught or what the popular historians right now are writing.  Not a single student stretched their mind and came up with a new way of looking at something or at least a new interpretation.  These are smart kids, but they don't want to think.  I'm not saying they didn't work really hard on their papers.  I just mean that they didn't challenge themselves or attempt to challenge me or the professor.  Where are the modern-day thinkers?  Perhaps they are at other colleges or in different programs at my college, but they certainly weren't in any of my classes.  Is this indicative of the quality of minds that are being produced in America today?  If it is, is this a world-wide phenomena, or something that is happening in the US?

Does anyone else have trouble with disappearing posts?

I'll read a post on my Friends List, but, when I go back later to respond to it, I can't find the post.

This has happened a few times this past week.

Is it because someone deletes the post (it's happened with three different LJ friends this week)?  Or is it an LJ problem?

Perhaps I just need to get better at responding to a post when I read it instead of returning to it a few days later.

My students are really starting to try my patience.

I haven't been tagged but I saw this meme in mrs_dragon's journal and decided I wanted to do it. 

Go here and look through random quotes until you find 5 that you think reflect who you are or what you believe. Repost in your journal and tag 5 friends.

"Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.  They seem more afraid of life than death." - James F. Byrnes (1879-1972)
This one really hit home because it seems like I have almost every phobia in the book.  I try to make sure that I don't let these fears control/decide my life.  Still, it can be very overwhelming at times.  I'm always thinking about all the different ways there are that I could end up hurt or that something could go wrong.  What I need to do is just get out there and live and stop worrying so much about consequences that have an astronomical chance of ever happening!

"You are not superior just because you see the world in an odious light." -Vicomte de Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
So many of my students seem to think that they are taking a morally and intellectually superior stance simply because they are being negative.  "America is bad." "George Bush is evil." "There is no real right or wrong, black or white...just gray."  I'm not arguing that they are necessarily right or wrong (not in this post anyway, but I do actually have opinions on each of these issues), but I get sick and tired of them being proud of the position they've stated as if the idea has any merit without supporting evidence.  When their fellow students attempt to debate with them, they'll often tell them "You're so naive."  "You can't believe everything you hear."  These may or may not be valid points, but, in a true debate you have to respond to the point that has been put forth.  Unless the person said, "I'm not naive so you're wrong.", their naivity has nothing to do with whether or not America is a "good" country.  I had trouble deciding between this quote and "We rarely think people have good sense unless they agree with us." -Francois de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680).  I guess I just want people to be more civil and intellectual in their discussions (especially regarding politics and religion).  Being negative does not mean you are right.  Only speaking to people that you agree with does not mean everyone agrees with you, it means you can't handle being around intellectual diversity.

"Hell, there are no rules here--we're trying to accomplish something." -Thomas A. Edison (1847-1931)
This quote makes me think that Thomas Edison might have been one cool guy to hang around with (although I'm sure he was still a nerd!) :)  Rules often seem to be an impediment to actually achieving anything meaningful.  I get really frustrated when people tell me something has to be done a certain way and their justification is that it's a rule.  Rules should only exist if they have been proven to be beneficial.  Even then, they should be more....guidelines than rules.  Rules can only keep the status quo.  Things will always remain exactly as they are if no one is willing to break the rules.

"A good marriage is one which allows for change and growth in the individuals and in the way they express their love." -Pearl Buck (1892-1973)
I'm in the process of planning a wedding so I'm a sucker for good relationship quotes.  I like this one because it's very practical.  I've seen so many relationships where people are in love but the love becomes chains around their necks.  They start to become the same person.  They share similar political ideas (even if they didn't initially), they join the same churches, they eat the same foods, they only hang out with the same people.  I'm not saying that having anything in common with your spouse is bad (I should hope you have many things in common with your spouse).  I just think it's wierd that some people's version of love means locking each other into being identical.  If I were interested in spending the rest of my life with myself, there are much easier ways of acomplishing this than turning Michael into Anna.  Love should be strong enough to allow people to grow and change without manipulating them into growing and changing to express the same opinions and philosophies as you do.

"The world is not yet exhausted; let me see something tomorrow which I never saw before." -Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
This quote sounds so optimistic and happy.  I love seeing new things and meeting new people (even though new people terrify me).  I crave new challenges and situations that can stretch the boundaries of who I am and help me to become a fuller, more complete person.  I've often wished I were one of those people that are content with settling down and locking in their life at the age of 21 or so.  Getting the job they want to have forever, getting married, having kids, buying a house.  Although I want many of those things (I am getting married in less than a year!) I certainly don't want my life to be boring and stable and safe.  I just feel that at 25, I'm too young to be locking my life into a pattern yet.  I should know a lot more about the world and myself and life before I make a decision as important as that.  Maybe I'm silly, but I think that if I made that decision now, I'd be robbing myself of untold amazing adventures for a life that sounds good on a limited amount of information.  I guess they'll get their stability and I'll get my adventure and we'll both be happy!

Here's how this oh-so-popular meme works:
01. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
02. I will respond by asking you five questions of a very intimate and creepily personal nature. Or not so creepy/personal.
03. You WILL update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
04. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
05. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

My Questions & Answers:

1. You're going out to eat. Where do you go and what do you order?
Hmmm....this is a hard one because I love food.  If I'm just going out on a regular night and it's not anything special, I'd probably end up at the pizza place down the street from my apartment.  Most days I'd get a cheese slice, but, when I'm really hungry I'll get a slice of cheese and a slice of pepperoni.  I'd wash it all down with a 20oz of sweet, delightful Mountain Dew.  If I'm going somewhere a bit fancier with friends, I'd definitely end up in Little Italy.  There is a restaurant called Benito II's (and yes, it is directly across the street from Benito I's).  At Benito II's, I would start with an appetizer of mozzarella caprese (basically tomatoes and mozarella in olive oil and basil), then I'd have manicotti (because pasta stuffed with cheese and then topped with more melty cheesy goodness is amazing), and finish it off with a cannoli (cheese as a desert....Yes!).

2. You give really good advice. Who gives you the best advice and what makes their advice so good?
Thanks!  I get the best advice from my paternal grandmother.  She grew up in a small town in Georgia and she's seen and done more in her one life than most people would do in 10 lives.  She also makes the best soul food I have ever tasted.  She's not afraid of life and she's definitely not afraid of cooking with butter!  I suppose what makes her advice so good is her philosophy that everyone has to find their own path.  Instead of being critical of you when you're making bad choices, she's supportive and lets you know that she's there for you when you need help.  This doesn't mean she never disciplines us though......she's one of the strictest women I've ever met, but it's all done with love.  Some of the best advice she's ever given me came about a year ago.  I'd just gotten ingaged to Michael and I was getting things ready for my move to New York.  I started to panic that I was making a mistake and that I should just put off grad school and stay in MD near Michael.  I was worried that it would be too hard to plan the wedding long distance, that I'd change too much if we were apart, that he'd change if we were apart, that I wouldn't be able to concentrate enough on school....the list of my fears goes on and on.  After listening to me pour out all my fears, she told me, "Anna, you have to stop worrying so much about what might happen.  I don't know if you'll grow apart if you move to NY or if it'll bring you closer together.  I do know that you've been dreaming about going to that school since you were little.  If you start giving up your dreams in order to make your relationship with Michael work, you're not being honest.  You're not being fair.  Neither one of you are going to end up happy.  You need to go and live on your own and become the person you're supposed to become.  If you never take that chance, you won't be a complete person.  A partial person isn't going to be any good as a wife or as a mother."  I took her advice and I haven't regretted it for a single moment.

3. Describe one of the pictures that (I assume) you have on display in your home. Why is it important to you?
I love photographs and have my apartment (and my room at home) covered in them.  I love the way you can freeze the perfect moment or memory in a photograph.  It will always remain the same and yet it will also be different every time you look at it.  One that is very important to me is a photo I have of me with my brothers right before I left for my freshman year of college.  We were at the park by our house and we were playing touch football (which, when you're playing with a rambunctious bunch of brothers, is a lot more like tackle football than I would have preferred).  My youngest brother had just dived for the football when the rest of us piled on top of him.  My mom snapped a picture at just the right time to catch all of us looking up almost as if we were looking at the camera.  We're covered in dirt and I even had leaves sticking out of my hair!  I love it so much because we're all together and we look so carefree and happy and young.  Since then, I've gone to college and moved to NY for grad school, the oldest of my brothers has gone to Iraq, another of my brothers is considering joing the military, one is leaving for college.....well, we're all getting scattered across the planet.  I love how that picture will always keep us together and happy, no matter what else happens.

4. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?
I'm scared of everything, and I hate that.  I don't let it stop me from doing things, in fact, my friends think of me as a bit of a daredevil....but.....it makes things so hard.  I have to give myself hour long pep talks before I can call a professor for a recommendation.  When someone gets my order wrong at a restaurant, I often eat it rather than ask for the order to be corrected just because I don't want the waiter to get mad at me.  When I go to parties and don't see people that I know, my knees start shaking and I get sick to my stomach.  I'll make myself go and talk to new people because I don't want to let the fear run my life, but I feel sick the whole time.  It'd be a lot easier if I just didn't have those overwhelming fears and I could do the things I wanted to do without destroying my nerves.

5. What would you like your last words to be? Why?
"I love you all." - I know it's not too original or inspiring, but, it would mean that I died surrounded by people I love who (I'm guessing) love me as well.  It would mean I lived a full life and made friends and had children and grandchildren that cared enough to come say their final goodbye to me.  I'd either be saying goodbye to Michael and telling him I loved him one final time, or, having already had to say my goodbye at his death, I'd be preparing to join him in the next world.  Finally, I feel it would mean that I wasn't leaving any loose ends or unfinished business.  I wouldn't have any final 'important' words to say because, hopefully, I'll have always said the things I felt needed to be said when they needed to be said.  I can't think of anything more beautiful to be feeling and saying at my time of death than love.

...post a meme!

You Will Be a Modern Bride!

While you aren't ready to throw away all wedding tradions, you want a wedding with a twist You're more inspired by celebrity weddings on E! than from bridal magazines Whether this means getting married on the beach barefoot or a mariachi band for the reception... Your wedding will be a blend of old and new - white dress cocktail, personalied vows, whatever suites you!!!